Ernie's Morning, Opening Day,1990

     Ernie did not know where to begin.Life certainly wasn't like learning a new team sport,or buying a new pair of shoes, or even saving enough money to go on an exotic cruise.If you could just keep it simple or amusing it would be done. Ernie Bedlam accepts the Nobel Peace prize for his great american novel, 101 Amusing Ways Life's Fucked. Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Life has shown me that if you turn here, you'll get there, but  then you get there you'll probably wish you had turned here and folks that's the real mystery. Catch22,play ball, it's a beautiful day lets play  two. Batter up, Harry, it looks like the Cubs have an awesome line-up this year .Batting  lead off and playing second base, White boy Taylor , a parts man at a dealership who drinks to much and is quite frankly happy to be playing. Used to be a junkie and nodded out for no good reasons.. Addicted to Baby Ruth bars and teenage beach movies. Batting second, and playing center field is Mo Jo James. Prides himself on boffing  only white women since he's been in the Big show. Fathered three children back in the minors. Keeps them supplied with baseball caps so they always know what gang they're playing for.Batting third and playing right field, Joe Madcock, a Viet Nam vet who got confused when the cops arrested him for holding up a Korean liquor store with an imaginary M-16.His motto for the season:" I was just kidding, now I'm pissed off." Batting clean-up, Joe Pizza, a big strapping south side kid who didn't want to follow his mobster father's foot steps, so became a lawyer instead. Sports a three handicap and a dark tan. Batting fifth and catching is Stan Skiski, a tough polish kid who runs a fresh fish store in Hammond, Indiana. Batting sixth and playing left field, smooth Louie Torres, the fastest player on the team. Hits for a high average when Cubs play Houston, San Diego or Los Angeles, but in the northern cities tends to quit showing up for games and is often found washing dishes or drinking Budweiser in 4 o'clock taverns.Batting seventh is John Student. He's the team accountant. Nice guy, but kind of a sad story. Three wives have already left him, all claiming he was boring and went to church four times a week. Has a background in I ching and Scientology . Batting eighth and playing short stop, Ricky Jones, the slickest fielder on the team, In the off season sells women their mother's used washers and dryers. Also in the boom box buisness. Only real problem is his weight fluctuates depending on how much coke he's doing. Batting ninth and pitching, Chuckie King, a rich boy from Winnetka who figures it's his bat and ball, of course he should do the pitching. Went to Northwestern where he learned how to lose graciously. And managing Ernie Bedlam... coping. Catch 22. Ernie would never get the fucking novel done. Life always went faster than the script. It was unfortunate at best. Ernie had the attention span of a turnip,  Wheezie, Toyboy, and Trouble would just have to be patient. Ernie didn't need a boat to go on a exotic cruise.