Nancy

   ,Ernie had had a Jones for this girl for a long time. He was in the womb humming Nancy with the smiling face. In kindergarten he dressed up as Zorro for Halloween because he knew she liked boys with masks, dressed in black. Freshman year in high school he went to his biology class because she was in it. He played hooky in every other class. He threw spitballs at her, passed her silly little notes like they were from that oily guy he knew she had a crush on. Ernie was a regular Cyrano De Bergerac. He waited eagerly for snow, so he could show up at her house with a shovel and ask her Mom if he could please clear the drive way for free. Every year he bought ten boxes of Girl Scout cookies from her little sister and was left without lunch money for two months.

   He learned how to moon walk like Michael Jackson, though he was even whiter than Michael and had less rhythm than Dick Chaney. He got a job a job working with retarded kids because she was a special education teacher. When she moved to the western suburbs he purchased a motorcycle so he could visit her. He was terrified of motorcycles and rode down the shoulder of the freeway to visit her. He purchased outfits of clothing for her, after making pilgrimages to Ralph Lauren’s studio in Paris to ensure his taste was adequate. He quit doing all drugs, even aspirin, he went to churches of every faith on the planet so he could accurately quote the scripture of her chosen faith. He actually read Moby Dick and War and Peace while all his friends were watching Bears games, Cubs games, and Bulls games.

   He spent three summers de-teaseling corn in the blazing sun of Illinois to show her he understood the plight of the small farmer. He said he hated Pee-wee Herman and Tiny Tim, even though he worshipped both guys and in fact studied ukulele with Tiny right up to the day he got married on the Carson show. He trudged through the deserts with Lawrence Of Arabia even though he hated sand and camels. His butt never fit right between the humps. He became an astronaut because some days she exhibited a penchant for being spacey.                                                                                                                            He bought a computer, learned how to type, twitter, tweet. He went on face book, searched through the archives of every library in America, became a historian, followed  the followers of the rapture, Genghis Kahn, Rush Limbaugh and even converted to Judiaism in case she might have. He grew 5 inches, lost two hundred pounds, took up meditation and gave up cheeseburgers. He almost gave up smoking but thought Nancy wouldn’t even believe that. His wife disowned him, his children ignored him, his cat even scorned him and no longer waited on the couch for a couple of blasts of reefer before bird hunting. But he persisted until even his own privates ignored him.

    After 35 years of an enquiring mind he found her. He called her on th phone and stammered and panted and lied his ass off. A LIFETIME DREAM WAS HAPPENING. Nancy wanted to his picture. He said he had one of him playing guitar at Wrigley Field. She said well scan it and post it on Facebook. Ernie didn’t have a scanner, so he spent the money he’d saved for a suit he to wear to his son’s wedding, and bought one. He searched for the picture until he finally found it in an old box of Christmas cards. He made his daughter get up at 2 a.m. to post the picture on Facebook. He posted a picture of a more recent photo too.  That night Nancy left a message for him. Before reading it, he did 50 sit-ups and 50 push-ups as to be in better shape, even though she couldn’t possibly view the results of his efforts. He rolled a joint , lit a cig and opened his email. Her message was only three words: LIKE THE BEARD! Ernie was staggered. Hit by a left from Ali. In the picture from Wrigley Field he didn’t have a beard.

Ernie's Morning, Opening Day,1990

     Ernie did not know where to begin.Life certainly wasn't like learning a new team sport,or buying a new pair of shoes, or even saving enough money to go on an exotic cruise.If you could just keep it simple or amusing it would be done. Ernie Bedlam accepts the Nobel Peace prize for his great american novel, 101 Amusing Ways Life's Fucked. Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Life has shown me that if you turn here, you'll get there, but  then you get there you'll probably wish you had turned here and folks that's the real mystery. Catch22,play ball, it's a beautiful day lets play  two. Batter up, Harry, it looks like the Cubs have an awesome line-up this year .Batting  lead off and playing second base, White boy Taylor , a parts man at a dealership who drinks to much and is quite frankly happy to be playing. Used to be a junkie and nodded out for no good reasons.. Addicted to Baby Ruth bars and teenage beach movies. Batting second, and playing center field is Mo Jo James. Prides himself on boffing  only white women since he's been in the Big show. Fathered three children back in the minors. Keeps them supplied with baseball caps so they always know what gang they're playing for.Batting third and playing right field, Joe Madcock, a Viet Nam vet who got confused when the cops arrested him for holding up a Korean liquor store with an imaginary M-16.His motto for the season:" I was just kidding, now I'm pissed off." Batting clean-up, Joe Pizza, a big strapping south side kid who didn't want to follow his mobster father's foot steps, so became a lawyer instead. Sports a three handicap and a dark tan. Batting fifth and catching is Stan Skiski, a tough polish kid who runs a fresh fish store in Hammond, Indiana. Batting sixth and playing left field, smooth Louie Torres, the fastest player on the team. Hits for a high average when Cubs play Houston, San Diego or Los Angeles, but in the northern cities tends to quit showing up for games and is often found washing dishes or drinking Budweiser in 4 o'clock taverns.Batting seventh is John Student. He's the team accountant. Nice guy, but kind of a sad story. Three wives have already left him, all claiming he was boring and went to church four times a week. Has a background in I ching and Scientology . Batting eighth and playing short stop, Ricky Jones, the slickest fielder on the team, In the off season sells women their mother's used washers and dryers. Also in the boom box buisness. Only real problem is his weight fluctuates depending on how much coke he's doing. Batting ninth and pitching, Chuckie King, a rich boy from Winnetka who figures it's his bat and ball, of course he should do the pitching. Went to Northwestern where he learned how to lose graciously. And managing Ernie Bedlam... coping. Catch 22. Ernie would never get the fucking novel done. Life always went faster than the script. It was unfortunate at best. Ernie had the attention span of a turnip,  Wheezie, Toyboy, and Trouble would just have to be patient. Ernie didn't need a boat to go on a exotic cruise.                                                                                                                                                                

Balling,1970

Did Tonto Ball the Chick. What Chick? The Chick with the bell bottom jeans at the forest preserve last night? That could have been 95% of the girls there. No the groovy Chick, who wanted to Ball everyone. That could have been 85% of the girls there. No the  Chick who was wearing the tie dye T- shirt, Mary said this girl wanted to Ball everybody. I didn’t think Mary slept with any one? No Mary as far as I know didn’t ball any one. Kathy says she only Balls Mitch.. Mitch doesn’t tell me who he sleeps with. This girl wasn’t sleeping with any one she just wanted to Ball Oh! I’m confused, said Ernie. I heard the  girl with the tie die T-shirt  and no bra wanted to Ball the entire Basketball team. I’m on the team and I didn’t get Balled. Well Tonto Balls everyone I hear.He has all the chicks eating out of his hands.His hands aren’t that big. He can’t even palm a basketball. Man what’s wrong with you, were not talking basketball were talking Balling!Well some of the guys are talking about meeting at Dairy Queen and playing some ball afterwards. Maybe the groovy Chick with bell bottoms and no bra will come watch us play. Man you just don’t get it. She doesn’t want to play she wants to Ball. Ball who? Tonto, everybody. wants to Ball Tonto .Tonto can’t play ball tonight he didn’t mow the lawn yesterday he’s grounded. Well who’s  gonna Ball that Chick? Ernie said I don”t know , Why don’t you  fuck the girl? Man she doesn’t fuck  She just Balls. Ernie was confused, He was just a junior. He wouldn’t graduate  until 71. Birds were still birds and Bees were still bees. He let the ball rest in that other guys corner.

Boom Boom Boom

    “ Boom Boom Boom Boom, I’m gonna shoot you right down.” It was the third day of Gettysburg, July 3^rd. Not a good day to twitter my love to you, thought Ernie. Martin Sheen thought the Confederate Army was immortal and could defeat anything the Yanks could stack against them. Tom Berenger disagreed, but being lower down on the food chain couldn’t change History at all. Jeff Daniels was limping badly and Nikes hadn’t been created yet. Ernie was deeply disturbed. There was far too much Banjo music being played across the battlefield. There were no left and right shoes yet. Ernie could only wish the same was true for American politics and religion. Blagojevich was in his room  re-enacting the Tom Cruise scene from Risky Business and preparing a memo for prison that inmates and guards could only refer to him as Elvis, who incidentally was fond of jumpsuits. Tom Cruise wasn’t to be found, as he was joyriding in the skies with John Travolta.                                                                                                                                                          Ernie thought life wasn’t fair. The skies were always friendly when you were rich. .Ernie also wondered why there wasn’t a Delta  Blues theme park down in  Branson Missouri. It would be neat.  Authentic Black people could make Mardi gras beads out of watermelon seeds. Boom Boom Boom Boom. I’m going to shoot you right down,” Ernie had a big day coming up himself. He’d gotten married on July 5^th, knowing  Gettysburg and Independence Day would be all over. In fact sometimes Ernie’s wife thought he was dumb like a fox, but not often.       

July 3^rd ,2011

The Second Day of Gettysburg

   It was the second day of Gettysburg. July 2^nd. Jeff Daniels, who also had a  huge moustache, was left out on a big limb. He was given orders to hold the flank to the very last bullet. That’s scary. Ernie understood. He had a reoccurring dream that he had one of those bad beards that Tom Berenger sported at Gettysburg. He, as always, was contemplating the same big issue. Why was he only five foot –five and a half and white when all he wanted to do in life was dunk a basketball. He lit a cigarette. There was never a favorable wind in the dream. The beard went up in smoke and Ernie had to go to the Halloween party as Johnny Winter because he had no eyebrows.                   

  Bad things happened in the Peach Orchard the second day of Gettysburg. A bad thing happened to Ernie once in a peach orchard, too. He was visiting his sister in the country and a gal took him on a picnic to her favorite. Well, Ernie told the girl her peaches sure looked good and could he possibly touch them to see if they were as ripe as they looked. That’s how we pick out good tomatoes up North. Well Honey, you’re in the South., she said, and these peaches are mine. All mine.

  Jeff Daniel’s guys ran out of bullets the second day and went on the attack, driving the Rebels back. Ernie ran out of good lines. The Southern gal marched right through his lines. He went back to Chicago thinking history doesn’t always repeat itself. Unlike in his dream he didn’t have a bad beard to stroke as he drove along the road. Jeff Daniel’s guys were down to their last bullet. Ernie was down to his last brain cell.      

July 2^nd 2011.

The First Day of Gettysburg

It was the first day of GETTYSBURG, July 1^st. The rebel army was looking for shoes. The Union cavalry was there to prevent them from getting they’re Buster Browns. The Yanks were led by that Sam guy who played the lifeguard and sold everything on T.V.  Ernie held a deep affection for History. The rebel army was led by Martin Sheen. Charley’s dad. The Sam guy, the fella with the giant moustache, wanted to hold the high ground. Ernie understood. He liked to be high too, perhaps because he was short.                                He had married a woman who was taller than him. She was also smarter than Ernie. She sang better, was better employed, liked to cook, and was good looking to boot. Frankly, they didn’t have much in common. She was entrenched in reality; Ernie was entrenched in quicksand, constantly seeking the higher ground. That Sam guy was probably a better choice for a husband but was a hundred years to old and off fighting Martin Sheen in Pennsylvania.  Some times Ernie was a damn visionary. If Martin Sheen told him to cross a big field and attack twenty thousand guys playing with guns and canons three days before July 4^th; Ernie wouldn’t be attending that picnic. He’d just worry about shoes later on.                                                                                                                        Ernie was once in a bar.  A guy sitting next to him was lamenting about how the South ever lost the war. Ernie agreed and said you’d think the Cubs played in Atlanta or something. The guy looked at Ernie and said that’s profound. He ordered another beer and moved to the end of the bar and sat down next to a deaf mute.                                                        It was July first and the Cubs were playing the Sox at Wrigley Field. Ernie was wondering if that Sam guy was going to sing Take Me Out to the Ballgame. He also wondered if the Southsiders wore butternut boxers underneath their uniforms. Ernie saved up most of his wondering for important matters. If the Cubs had won the World Series before the Sox it could have been an entirely a different world. But that thought could wait until tomorrow. Today it was obvious Ernie was on a higher plane. Ernie’s wife just hoped it landed soon.

 July 1^st, 2011

Ernie Goes to the Country

      Ernie sat down at the Counter in a sad roadside cafe next to a sad man with a sad looking dog at his side.The man had a nervous twitch and the dog was full of ticks.Ernie overheard the man ask the waitress if she ever known any happy women."Ya on pay day," the waitress replied. The man muttered, " Damn," as the coffee spilled  out on his saucer.He then said," I once went to the beauty shop with my sister. She laughed the whole way up to the Bluff. She told Mabel to give her the complete works. She started looking real good,smiled and laughed the whole way home. She cooked a marvelous gourmet dinner for my brother-in- law, John. Candles gleamed, her face glowed and beamed and John called saying he was going to play poker with the boys because he'd had a bad day at the truck stop. Well , John got too drunk to drive home and crashed out on Joe's couch. Sis woke up the next day with her hair looking like a scarecrow's. A year later John filed for divorce claiming my sister had worn the same bib overalls for eleven months straight. The waitress shook her head and muttered "Damn," and asked the man if he wanted some apple pie.Ernie asked the waitress where the nearest tavern was.He drove to it, ordered a double Jack Daniels. Ernie muttered, " Damn," and thought to himself," it's the same in the country. Women are crazy because men are stupid."