Face Book Love

It was Face Book love

No need for new clothes to wear

Doe’s the toilet paper roll over or under

No need to  share

Kissed the wrong girl

Gave me a Cold sore to remember

But I don’t mind

Because you say you’re not coming to December

Snow will be the only cold on my mind

It was face Book love

I got thirteen cats you’ll never know

Got hit by a baseball bat

In a bar room fight

But that crooked nose not on my page

And that broken lip

Will never kiss your lips

And I never chew tobacco

When I chat with you

It was Face Book Love

You come dance on my lap

My teeth so bad

Barely can chew on an apple

What this blind man can’t do

This blind man won’t say

And I don’t go to church

And my mother says it’s time

But I just won’t go away          Craig Champlin October 17 2011

Inspiration

                                   INSPIRATION                                                                                             Ernie felt like the Jack Nicholson character in the movie The Shining. The empty pages of his composition book mocked him. He needed inspiration. He had a deadline to meet.                                                                                                                                                            He re-read Notes of a Dirty Old Man by Charles Bukowski. This left him thirsty and lusting for pasty blonde bar floozies. He re-read Catcher in the Rye, which inspired him to search furiously through his closet for his old hunting hat. He re-read Hamlet. This merely couched him in deep melancholy and provoked bad thoughts about his deceased mother.                                                                                                                                     He re-read Gone with the Wind, which frankly left him not giving a damn about even writing the great American novel. He re-read Helter Skelter and ended up humming endless Beatle songs and carving crucifixes on the foreheads of his daughters Barbie dolls.                                                                                                                                                     He re-read Hemingway’s Old Man and the Sea which inspired him to gorge himself on fish and chips and go to the video store and rent Jaws 1 and Jaws 11. He re-read Moby Dick. This convinced him, “Why look for the whale, when the whale is his own reflection in the mirror?” He re-read Crime and Punishment. This led Ernie to walk aimlessly around the apartment with a broomstick draped across his shoulders, wearing only a loincloth.                                                                                                                                   He re-read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, and spent the entire day trying to screw in a light bulb. He re-read Vincent Van Gogh’s biography, Lust for Life , which prompted him to cut off the ears of his daughter’s Beanie Babies and play outside with an Etch-a-Sketch in a driving snow storm.                                                                              He re-read Ray Bradbury’s Dandelion Wine and got violently ill after drinking an entire bottle of cooking sherry. He read Shirley MacLaine’s biography, which left him convinced he’d authored Beowulf in a past life. Exhausted, he pretended to read James Joyce’s Ulysses, and passed out on the couch in a stream of unconciousness.                                              

PS, I didn’t underline the book titles because my typing skills suck and my wife doesn’t like me a whole lot today. English majors please forgive me.

PPS – The wife has now fixed the problem.  Still not sure I like him much today. - LC

Inspiration

                                   INSPIRATION                                                                                             Ernie felt like the Jack Nicholson character in the movie The Shining. The empty pages of his composition book mocked him. He needed inspiration. He had a deadline to meet.                                                                                                                                                            He re-read Notes of a Dirty Old Man by Charles Bukowski. This left him thirsty and lusting for pasty blonde bar floozies. He re-read Catcher in the Rye, which inspired him to search furiously through his closet for his old hunting hat. He re-read Hamlet. This merely couched him in deep melancholy and provoked bad thoughts about his deceased mother.                                                                                                                                     He re-read Gone with the Wind, which frankly left him not giving a damn about even writing the great American novel. He re-read Helter Skelter and ended up humming endless Beatle songs and carving crucifixes on the foreheads of his daughters Barbie dolls.                                                                                                                                                     He re-read Hemingway’s Old Man and the Sea which inspired him to gorge himself on fish and chips and go to the video store and rent Jaws 1 and Jaws 11. He re-read Moby Dick. This convinced him, “Why look for the whale, when the whale is his own reflection in the mirror?” He re-read Crime and Punishment. This led Ernie to walk aimlessly around the apartment with a broomstick draped across his shoulders, wearing only a loincloth.                                                                                                                                   He re-read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, and spent the entire day trying to screw in a light bulb. He re-read Vincent Van Gogh’s biography, Lust for Life , which prompted him to cut off the ears of his daughter’s Beanie Babies and play outside with an Etch-a-Sketch in a driving snow storm.                                                                              He re-read Ray Bradbury’s Dandelion Wine and got violently ill after drinking an entire bottle of cooking sherry. He read Shirley MacLaine’s biography, which left him convinced he’d authored Beowulf in a past life. Exhausted, he pretended to read James Joyce’s Ulysses, and passed out on the couch in a stream of unconciousness.                                              

PS, I didn’t underline the book titles because my typing skills suck and my wife doesn’t like me a whole lot today. English majors please forgive me.

PPS – The wife has now fixed the problem.  Still not sure I like him much today. - LC

Teachers

                       Teachers

  Ernie looked up to most everyone, perhaps because he was short. His mentor was tall and a wee bit mad. His name was Dr. George. He was rather tall and Estonian and liked freedom. He left Estonia and came to New York on a boat. The boat didn’t sink so Dr. George went to school. He went to a lot of school. He was smart. He had a three PhD’s. One was in pharmaceutical psychology. One was in film, and one in literature. The initials behind his name were taller than Ernie.

   The first day of class Dr George and Ernie had dominated the class discussion. Ernie was a few years older than the other kids, was married and had worked at a state institution for retarded adults,. He knew  one couldn’t skate through life majoring in late night White Castle and I hope that girl sleeps with me tonight. Class was over but Dr George said no one could leave until someone made a comment other than Ernie. The other students were silent and fidgeted at their desks. Ernie got agitated, lit a cigarette and said please were in college. He got up and walked out.

   That night Ernie and wife went to an art house film at the student union. The movie ended and they walked out. Also walking out was Dr. George, his wife and two daughters. . The Dr. said, Dr. Ernest . Ernie said me? Yes you will come home with me tonight and drink and chat and smoke. Ernie was pretty accomplished at these activities and said sure. Ernie knew when he was captured.

    They went to the house and sat at the kitchen table. This delighted Ernie as all things at his house took place in the kitchen. The living room was where his parents went to  pass out . Dr. George went to the freezer and got a gallon of vodka. He went to a drawer and pulled out five or six plastic medicine bottles. They were all hand labeled and contained pot. Dr George said lets try this one from lower Manhattan, 1969. Sure, said Ernie, as he took a swig of vodka. Dr George rolled a joint, took a large hit and pondered the moment. Ernie was beginning to realize he was in the company of a true artist. Dr George said a good buzz should not be wasted, but meditated upon. Sure said Ernie. He would not tell Willie Mays how to steal a base, he wasn’t about to tell Chekov how to get stoned.

    Dr. George peppered Ernie with questions. Ernest how did you become this person in this kitchen? The pot and vodka and utter clarity of Dr. George’s probing line of questioning left Ernie open like a tin of sardines. He felt like a Catholic at confessional. Well, my Dad left when I was seven, My Mother was a non -differential schizophrenic. I had three older sisters that were good looking and my grandmother felt she had perhaps the firmest breasts of any woman over sixty-five on the planet. Oh, replied Dr. George, perhaps we should try some pot from upper Manhattan circa 1972.  Sure said Ernie I’m down with that. Down said Dr. George, why, we’re. trying to go upwards. He took another swig of vodka, and said language is so strife with semantic issues. Of course replied Ernie. His mind was leaving lower Manhatten and heading toward Bangor, Maine rapidly.

    Some how the conversation arrived on the subject of sport. Dr George perked up. I recently took up Basketball. I like it. I like it a lot. I’m a big guy and I like moving people around the court with my girth. It’s kind of like chess. Ernie smiled and thought about foreshadowing. He had spent his entire youth playing and had dribbled a ball three hours nightly in his basement. He was  about as good at basketball as Stalin was at revolution. I play a little ball said Ernie. But you’re rather short replied Dr. George and doesn’t  basketball by nature cater to the bigger man. I mean the laws of nature are at work. Ernie had excelled at get large black people the ball and watched them dunk with utter impunity. Well let us play this Saturday suggested Ernie. Sure said Dr. George it will be great fun. Just  for a grin lets play a game of one on one. Mano mano. If I beat you Dr. George I don’t have to do the term paper for your class. Sure, competition is good for the human spirit, replied Dr, George confidently.

   They met at the gym on Saturday. Are you ready for defeat with honor,. said  the good doctor? I am said Ernie feeling like a house man in a card game. Ernie went around and thru Dr. George like a race car against a volks wagon. The final score was twenty-one to four.. Speechless Dr. George stared down at Ernie. Let us go back to my apartment , have some smoke and a couple of beers, said Ernie. They went to the apartment. Ernie went to his kitchen drawer and got out his pot and said circa streets of Chicago 1974. He took a long pull on the joint and handed it to Dr. George.It smelled like victory. Dr. George and Ernie became good friends. Ernie got an A in the class and never did turn in a term paper.

                                                                                                          Craig Champlin September 2011

The Loonies

              The Loonies

Ernie didn’t want to go out and play anymore. He’d finally had it.He’d always get into trouble. It wouldn’t matter what precautions he took. The loonies would fine him. Disguises didn’t even help.

   One day Ernie dressed up as Napoleon and went out for a walk.At the very first stop light he came to a couple of weirdos asked him to be their leader. Seems they wanted to take over the world. Ernie simply said,”No thanks,” and gave each of them a Kool, That’s all they really wanted anyhow. Ernie was just to sensitive for his own good.

    Ernie walked toward the beach. Two beat cops stopped him, thinking he had a gun in his coat or something. They opened his coat and found him clutching a picture of a woman to his chest.As one of the cops was looking at the picture, Ernie’s ex-wife, whom he hadn’t seen in three years, strolled by with her new baby. The cops stopped her and said,” this weird guy here, dressed up as Napoleon, has a picture of you. She just smiled and told them Ernie was an old friend who sometimes did crazy things.

     The cops let Ernie go and told him dress more appropriately if he didn’t want to be hassled. Ernie got a six pack and went back to his apartment. He put on Judy Garland’s “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” and opened a beer.A female voice said” Cute Ernie,” and hung up. Ernie always got caught.

The Loonies

              The Loonies

Ernie didn’t want to go out and play anymore. He’d finally had it.He’d always get into trouble. It wouldn’t matter what precautions he took. The loonies would fine him. Disguises didn’t even help.

   One day Ernie dressed up as Napoleon and went out for a walk.At the very first stop light he came to a couple of weirdos asked him to be their leader. Seems they wanted to take over the world. Ernie simply said,”No thanks,” and gave each of them a Kool, That’s all they really wanted anyhow. Ernie was just to sensitive for his own good.

    Ernie walked toward the beach. Two beat cops stopped him, thinking he had a gun in his coat or something. They opened his coat and found him clutching a picture of a woman to his chest.As one of the cops was looking at the picture, Ernie’s ex-wife, whom he hadn’t seen in three years, strolled by with her new baby. The cops stopped her and said,” this weird guy here, dressed up as Napoleon, has a picture of you. She just smiled and told them Ernie was an old friend who sometimes did crazy things.

     The cops let Ernie go and told him dress more appropriately if he didn’t want to be hassled. Ernie got a six pack and went back to his apartment. He put on Judy Garland’s “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” and opened a beer.A female voice said” Cute Ernie,” and hung up. Ernie always got caught.

Thinkin

On the night his wife turned sixty-five. Ernie crawled in to bed and said honey I never made love to someone eligible for Medicare before. She said, well why start now. Ernie said that’s not fair you used to have me for lunch, now you have me for lent. She said and soon I’ll give up that religion too. When Ernie was a younger man he came home from a gig one cold, cold night and was surprised that his wife was still awake. He took off his clothes and lay down on the big pillow in front of the TV. He said honey I need some warmth. She said, well put your clothes back on. Ernie said, can’t ya throw an old dog a bone? She said I don’t pitch and we only have cats.  Ernie found a hundred dollar bill on the street one night and gave it to his wife thinking he might get lucky. She took the hundred dollar bill and said Ernie don’t even start thinking that way you already got lucky enough for one night. Ernie won two hundred dollars at the race track, strode into the apartment feeling quite confidant about the evenings possibilities, He gave his wife the money with a big grin on his face. She looked at Ernie bemused and said I bet you didn’t win this betting on a filly or a mare. Damn she was right it had been a gelding. Ernie got hold of some Viagra and came home and told his wife about it during supper, she seemed curious about it and smiled and said maybe we should find out what all the fuss was about She gave Ernie a wink as she went into the bed room. Ernie quickly downed three of the pills and sat on the couch to make a couple of quick business calls. He heard his wife call out come here, he jumped up and knocked her favorite china horse off the coffee table with his chemically enhanced manhood. The horse broke into tiny pieces. Ernie cleaned up the mess and walked slowly into the bedroom. His wife said what did you break and looked at him and said don’t even tell me. Ernie went back into the living room, sat on the couch and picked up the newspaper. The headline read, Sex Scandal in the Catholic Church. Ernie thought what the hell, he didn’t need to take a vow of celibacy. He fell asleep and dreamed he was Johnny Depp.  Morning came and he woke up to the call of mockingbirds outside his window. It was early Monday morning and his wife asked him if he’d wait for the garbage men to make sure they picked up the old mattress. Ernie went outside lit a cigarette and shook his head. The garbage men came on Thursday. 

September16th 2011