Teachers

                       Teachers

  Ernie looked up to most everyone, perhaps because he was short. His mentor was tall and a wee bit mad. His name was Dr. George. He was rather tall and Estonian and liked freedom. He left Estonia and came to New York on a boat. The boat didn’t sink so Dr. George went to school. He went to a lot of school. He was smart. He had a three PhD’s. One was in pharmaceutical psychology. One was in film, and one in literature. The initials behind his name were taller than Ernie.

   The first day of class Dr George and Ernie had dominated the class discussion. Ernie was a few years older than the other kids, was married and had worked at a state institution for retarded adults,. He knew  one couldn’t skate through life majoring in late night White Castle and I hope that girl sleeps with me tonight. Class was over but Dr George said no one could leave until someone made a comment other than Ernie. The other students were silent and fidgeted at their desks. Ernie got agitated, lit a cigarette and said please were in college. He got up and walked out.

   That night Ernie and wife went to an art house film at the student union. The movie ended and they walked out. Also walking out was Dr. George, his wife and two daughters. . The Dr. said, Dr. Ernest . Ernie said me? Yes you will come home with me tonight and drink and chat and smoke. Ernie was pretty accomplished at these activities and said sure. Ernie knew when he was captured.

    They went to the house and sat at the kitchen table. This delighted Ernie as all things at his house took place in the kitchen. The living room was where his parents went to  pass out . Dr. George went to the freezer and got a gallon of vodka. He went to a drawer and pulled out five or six plastic medicine bottles. They were all hand labeled and contained pot. Dr George said lets try this one from lower Manhattan, 1969. Sure, said Ernie, as he took a swig of vodka. Dr George rolled a joint, took a large hit and pondered the moment. Ernie was beginning to realize he was in the company of a true artist. Dr George said a good buzz should not be wasted, but meditated upon. Sure said Ernie. He would not tell Willie Mays how to steal a base, he wasn’t about to tell Chekov how to get stoned.

    Dr. George peppered Ernie with questions. Ernest how did you become this person in this kitchen? The pot and vodka and utter clarity of Dr. George’s probing line of questioning left Ernie open like a tin of sardines. He felt like a Catholic at confessional. Well, my Dad left when I was seven, My Mother was a non -differential schizophrenic. I had three older sisters that were good looking and my grandmother felt she had perhaps the firmest breasts of any woman over sixty-five on the planet. Oh, replied Dr. George, perhaps we should try some pot from upper Manhattan circa 1972.  Sure said Ernie I’m down with that. Down said Dr. George, why, we’re. trying to go upwards. He took another swig of vodka, and said language is so strife with semantic issues. Of course replied Ernie. His mind was leaving lower Manhatten and heading toward Bangor, Maine rapidly.

    Some how the conversation arrived on the subject of sport. Dr George perked up. I recently took up Basketball. I like it. I like it a lot. I’m a big guy and I like moving people around the court with my girth. It’s kind of like chess. Ernie smiled and thought about foreshadowing. He had spent his entire youth playing and had dribbled a ball three hours nightly in his basement. He was  about as good at basketball as Stalin was at revolution. I play a little ball said Ernie. But you’re rather short replied Dr. George and doesn’t  basketball by nature cater to the bigger man. I mean the laws of nature are at work. Ernie had excelled at get large black people the ball and watched them dunk with utter impunity. Well let us play this Saturday suggested Ernie. Sure said Dr. George it will be great fun. Just  for a grin lets play a game of one on one. Mano mano. If I beat you Dr. George I don’t have to do the term paper for your class. Sure, competition is good for the human spirit, replied Dr, George confidently.

   They met at the gym on Saturday. Are you ready for defeat with honor,. said  the good doctor? I am said Ernie feeling like a house man in a card game. Ernie went around and thru Dr. George like a race car against a volks wagon. The final score was twenty-one to four.. Speechless Dr. George stared down at Ernie. Let us go back to my apartment , have some smoke and a couple of beers, said Ernie. They went to the apartment. Ernie went to his kitchen drawer and got out his pot and said circa streets of Chicago 1974. He took a long pull on the joint and handed it to Dr. George.It smelled like victory. Dr. George and Ernie became good friends. Ernie got an A in the class and never did turn in a term paper.

                                                                                                          Craig Champlin September 2011

The Loonies

              The Loonies

Ernie didn’t want to go out and play anymore. He’d finally had it.He’d always get into trouble. It wouldn’t matter what precautions he took. The loonies would fine him. Disguises didn’t even help.

   One day Ernie dressed up as Napoleon and went out for a walk.At the very first stop light he came to a couple of weirdos asked him to be their leader. Seems they wanted to take over the world. Ernie simply said,”No thanks,” and gave each of them a Kool, That’s all they really wanted anyhow. Ernie was just to sensitive for his own good.

    Ernie walked toward the beach. Two beat cops stopped him, thinking he had a gun in his coat or something. They opened his coat and found him clutching a picture of a woman to his chest.As one of the cops was looking at the picture, Ernie’s ex-wife, whom he hadn’t seen in three years, strolled by with her new baby. The cops stopped her and said,” this weird guy here, dressed up as Napoleon, has a picture of you. She just smiled and told them Ernie was an old friend who sometimes did crazy things.

     The cops let Ernie go and told him dress more appropriately if he didn’t want to be hassled. Ernie got a six pack and went back to his apartment. He put on Judy Garland’s “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” and opened a beer.A female voice said” Cute Ernie,” and hung up. Ernie always got caught.

The Loonies

              The Loonies

Ernie didn’t want to go out and play anymore. He’d finally had it.He’d always get into trouble. It wouldn’t matter what precautions he took. The loonies would fine him. Disguises didn’t even help.

   One day Ernie dressed up as Napoleon and went out for a walk.At the very first stop light he came to a couple of weirdos asked him to be their leader. Seems they wanted to take over the world. Ernie simply said,”No thanks,” and gave each of them a Kool, That’s all they really wanted anyhow. Ernie was just to sensitive for his own good.

    Ernie walked toward the beach. Two beat cops stopped him, thinking he had a gun in his coat or something. They opened his coat and found him clutching a picture of a woman to his chest.As one of the cops was looking at the picture, Ernie’s ex-wife, whom he hadn’t seen in three years, strolled by with her new baby. The cops stopped her and said,” this weird guy here, dressed up as Napoleon, has a picture of you. She just smiled and told them Ernie was an old friend who sometimes did crazy things.

     The cops let Ernie go and told him dress more appropriately if he didn’t want to be hassled. Ernie got a six pack and went back to his apartment. He put on Judy Garland’s “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” and opened a beer.A female voice said” Cute Ernie,” and hung up. Ernie always got caught.

Thinkin

On the night his wife turned sixty-five. Ernie crawled in to bed and said honey I never made love to someone eligible for Medicare before. She said, well why start now. Ernie said that’s not fair you used to have me for lunch, now you have me for lent. She said and soon I’ll give up that religion too. When Ernie was a younger man he came home from a gig one cold, cold night and was surprised that his wife was still awake. He took off his clothes and lay down on the big pillow in front of the TV. He said honey I need some warmth. She said, well put your clothes back on. Ernie said, can’t ya throw an old dog a bone? She said I don’t pitch and we only have cats.  Ernie found a hundred dollar bill on the street one night and gave it to his wife thinking he might get lucky. She took the hundred dollar bill and said Ernie don’t even start thinking that way you already got lucky enough for one night. Ernie won two hundred dollars at the race track, strode into the apartment feeling quite confidant about the evenings possibilities, He gave his wife the money with a big grin on his face. She looked at Ernie bemused and said I bet you didn’t win this betting on a filly or a mare. Damn she was right it had been a gelding. Ernie got hold of some Viagra and came home and told his wife about it during supper, she seemed curious about it and smiled and said maybe we should find out what all the fuss was about She gave Ernie a wink as she went into the bed room. Ernie quickly downed three of the pills and sat on the couch to make a couple of quick business calls. He heard his wife call out come here, he jumped up and knocked her favorite china horse off the coffee table with his chemically enhanced manhood. The horse broke into tiny pieces. Ernie cleaned up the mess and walked slowly into the bedroom. His wife said what did you break and looked at him and said don’t even tell me. Ernie went back into the living room, sat on the couch and picked up the newspaper. The headline read, Sex Scandal in the Catholic Church. Ernie thought what the hell, he didn’t need to take a vow of celibacy. He fell asleep and dreamed he was Johnny Depp.  Morning came and he woke up to the call of mockingbirds outside his window. It was early Monday morning and his wife asked him if he’d wait for the garbage men to make sure they picked up the old mattress. Ernie went outside lit a cigarette and shook his head. The garbage men came on Thursday. 

September16th 2011

Mortality

                 Mortality

    “Yep,” Ernie thought, as he lay sprawled on his couch like a theme park,”another legend out the door.” Ah life! You got to take the beer with the sweet. Ernie had tried to find knickers for Payne Stewart’s tribute, but his legs were like a rhino, short,and hot pants with a forty inch waist were hard to come by, even at the gay resale shop.

      Ernie didn’t know what to do with life, much less death. When Mickey Mantle died, Ernie had a moment or silence, during which he thought,”Of course the man drank like a fish.” Privately he had hoped Mick willed his used Playboy collection to him. When he heard… where have you gone Joe DiMaggio…on the Mexican bandstand cable TV station, he knew just what to do. He went to the bar. There he found countless others drowning their sorrow over the demise of Joe, Jesus and Jake the mechanic who liked to beat on his wife a little.

       After Dad Bedlam passed nine months ago, Ernie had been left an orphan. He’d had great experience handling death. His advice, when asked was,”It’s tough, but don’t take it personally. If someone’s still pitching you got to come to the plate.”

        The only glitch in the picture occurred when Wilt Chamberlain recently passed. The man was too tall and had slept with too many women. This left Ernie totally befuddled and thirsty.

        When last seen, Ernie was furiously looking the bins at the used record store for a recording of Dylan’s “ The Hour When the Ship Comes in.” Once he found it, he ran home and watched re-runs of “Let’s Make a Deal and drank a six pack.

        Walter Payton’s death left Ernie speechless and morbid. He sat on the couch and listened to “ Dust in the Wind,” by Kansas and watched the witches Dorthy say, “Auntie Em, I want to come home.” There was no more sweetness in Chicago today. Ernie finally passed out, clutching Garcia, the Beanie Baby to his chest        November 7^th 1999

       

Primal Ernie

Ernie laid on the couch feeling adventurous. He was flipping through the pages of National Geographic, looking for pictures of naked women. It was the middle of the night and his family was asleep.

   Outside a howling wind shook the windowpanes. Ernie was peaceful. He popped a can of beer and hoped he wouldn’t pass out before the early morning exercise shows came on. His priorities were in order: Beer, wife, children and education; both mental and physical.

    He could find only a picture of a Tibetan monk with his shirt off in the National Geographic, and wondered if it was possible to get the new Playboy out from under the bed without waking his wife. An executive decision. He popped another beer.

    In the midst of this reverie; out of the corner of his eye, he saw something scurry across the far wall of the living room. Ever since he peed in his pants when Alan Arkin jumped out at Audrey Hepburn in “Wait Until Dark,” Ernie didn’t like to be scared. He really didn’t believe that alligators came through toilets and ate people, but the possibility lingered in his imagination.

     He arose from the couch and found the cat, got another beer and placed the cat in front of the bookcase. The cat regarded Ernie blankly and strode off. Ernie mumbled out loud, “This wouldn’t happen in the jungle where there’s no cat chow.” Ernie got up, found the cat again, got another beer and once more put the cat down in front of the bookcase. The cat looked at Ernie like he was a wall hanging and strutted out of the room.

      “Why have a cat?” thought Ernie. Cats don’t bark at monsters, cats don’t cook, clean, raise kids, do the laundry, pay bills, have gainful employment. A wife yes, a cat no.

            The mouse scurried out from under the bookcase and darted under the entertainment console.  Ernie was getting pissed. The mouse had already grown six inches. Ernie found the cat, got another beer and set the cat in front of the T.V.. The cat looked at Ernie like he was a scientologist or something. He meowed, “Piss off!” and walked away.

         Ernie was getting angrier by the moment. This wasn’t right. He got up, found the cat again, got another beer and plopped down on the floor next to the cat in front of the T.V. He whispered in the cat’s ear, “Cat, mouse, cat, mouse…” The cat looked at Ernie and said, “Oh, please!”

         Ernie got up, stumbled into the kitchen, got another beer and swore under his breath. He went to the bathroom, read two sentences of “ Crime and Punishment”, relieved himself and retired to the living room. He was cynically perusing the National Geographic, when the mouse poked its head out from under the TV.

         This time the mouse didn’t bother to scurry, but sauntered across the floor like he owned the place. Ernie had had enough. He chucked the National Geographic across the room. It was a direct hit and the mouse fell dead in its tracks.

         Ernie fell asleep at sunrise just as Billy Blanks and his spandex clad bevy of believers appeared on the TV screen. Ernie snored loudly and dreamed of bigger game. The cat walked past the dead mouse, climbed on the couch next to Ernie, fell asleep and dreamed of birds.